My Journey

By Amy Nicholls

My spiritual journey ignited when I came to the realization my marriage was over. This left me with a choice to make, continue to fall victim, or take control of my life.

I thought I finally did it, that I was in a loving, committed partnership with someone I was crazy about, and that was crazy about me. But reality was, it was an illusion, and in effect, I never felt more alone. I had lost myself in the duty, and perhaps fantasy, of keeping my family together. The heavy weight of carrying all I chose to be kept secret in order to make it work had flattened me. Emotional abuse, addiction, and neglect had slowing crept in, and once it took hold, life became unruly and I was constantly fighting to keep my head above water.

I stayed because I believed we don’t give up on people we love. That if someone is trying, you give them the space they need to figure it out. But the problem with that is, this only works for people that want to help themselves, and are able to return that love. My kindness was being used against me, and my old patterns of falling into self blame were fueling toxic energy. It was up to me to stop the cycle, and for the sake of my son, I had to change my mindset.

I was becoming resentful for all the responsibility that was just dumped on me, having to continually put my goals aside, and whenever I thought we took a step forward, having the rug pulled out from under me. I was exhausted. Unable to enjoy the milestones marriage and starting a family bring because I was constantly on high alert. Everyday I became more stressed, sadder, and smaller, until I was almost invisible.

By the end, I was so angry at myself for staying, for allowing someone to make me feel so worthless and ugly, but mostly for pausing my life, not listening to my intuition, and handing over my power so willingly.

I remember the day I couldn’t take it anymore. I hit rock bottom with my tolerance. I wasn’t going to wake up again with hateful words swirling in my head, my eyes puffy from crying in my sleep. I was over being lied too, and told I was unlovable. Words like “I promise” and “trust me” became triggers that would catch fire and boil rage in my stomach, and I wasn’t going to poison my body with hate any longer.

I rolled out of bed quietly, not wanting to wake my sleeping darling, taking in his sweet baby face as I slowly closed the bedroom door behind me. I took a moment to softly cry it out in the bathroom to release fear, and fill myself up with strength. I knew I was drowning and needed to start swimming.

I walked downstairs. He was sleeping on the couch, still in his clothes from last night. Using my foot to rock him awake, I took a cautious step back, aware I might be poking a sleeping bear. His blood shot eyes opened, and the sight of him set off a rage scream inside of me. I swallowed it, knowing he might take pleasure in seeing my pain.

“It’s over, I’m not doing this anymore”, my voice steady.

He looked confused. His face a haze of oblivion. Perhaps uncertain who was talking.

“Sure”, then he rolled over and went back to sleep.

While this was unceremonious at the time, it was the most impactful action I could take. I’d found the words to break the spell which began the undoing of this Unfortunate Geis.

This happened days away from our sons second birthday, and the time remaining continued to be dreadful. The timing added a whole painful layer of emotion and grief I worried I didn’t have the energy to carry. I had to play house this one last time. Pretending there was any future ahead of us was becoming harder for me to do. I could feel my armour cracking. No one knew I was up the night before, alone, making chocolate cake and blowing up balloons while he stayed out until the money ran out. When he did come home, smelling of beer and other peoples perfume, it wasn’t long before he threw up all over the living room floor, leaving me to take care of it.

He snored away while I was on my hands and knees cleaning it up. Fuck this, fuck all of this. This isn’t going to be my life any longer.

I was done waiting for it to get better. I was over being asked to stay because he said it would. Nothing was making it better. While I washed the floor I recalled when we moved to this house, under his promise everything would change. But it didn’t, it only became more painful. In the white and black house where our son took his first steps, was the house I found the emails, empty bottles, and hidden packages. This was the house I was never loved in, but this is the house I found my strength.

This trauma legacy ends now, with me.

Even with the birth of my new energy, I didn’t know how I was going to make all the things work. I was broken, and so unbelievably tired. I questioned if I did enough, if my leaving was selfish. My heart breaking more by the minute as I think of the family my son won’t have, or siblings I won’t be able to give him now.

From three separate mediumship readings, I found the strength to keep moving, and I credit those Healers for saving my life. It was the first time someone heard me. They saw the truth, and I didn’t have to explain my pain, there was so much comfort in just that. The messages were clear and consistent that I needed to reconnect with my Inner Child, and step back into the energy of Artist and Healer. I had to take big risks with creative endeavors, and to trust my intuition. It was the first time I was told I wasn’t crazy, in fact I was psychic, and had many gifts I needed to develop.

My first steps were taken completely blind. I put my faith in the hope the ground would be there when I needed it.

I walked away from all I thought we created. No house, no car, no regular income, and a big pile of debt. I took my son and wolfdog, and kept us above water as best I could in the middle of a pandemic. I trusted in myself, my resourcefulness, and my ability to manifest the help and support I needed to take care of us. I was so proud of myself for the first time in a really long time.

I truly believe the Universe wants us all to succeed, and that everyone possesses the ability to change their life in some way to become the best version of themselves. I knew, if I wanted happiness, I would have to fight for it.

Over time, my faith and skills have developed and grown, and I can say with all confidence that Art and stepping into my gifts as a Healer is my souls purpose. I have learned my super power is my empathy and resiliency, and my courage is deeply grounded in Motherhood.

When I took the seemingly simple step, to choose my happiness (our happiness), that was the moment my world came crashing down, and piece by piece, I started to rebuild it the way I wanted it to look. People starting coming into my life that were there for the right reasons. My mindset changed. I dove deep into shadow work without fear or ego, and I did the best thing I could have ever done - I forgave myself.

I believe in Divine timing, and that people in our lives serve a purpose. I know even through times I felt so incredibly lost, if I didn’t give up on myself, I would never go in the wrong direction.

In the moment, the perceived failures and loss felt like missteps.

I know now they were beautiful lessons I needed to learn in order to find my magickal strength.